having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
