Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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