I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
