did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
