I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
