the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I currently don't understand fingers.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
