I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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