So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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