It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
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I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
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