I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
