i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
