I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
