Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
