Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
