Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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