One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
