I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My cat gives me a boner
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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