You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
