I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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