ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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