you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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