This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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