I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
