I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
