How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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