Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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