oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
