I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
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I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
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You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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