I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
ttyl tear gas
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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