My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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