the day after is always just damage control
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
