I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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