I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
