Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
