sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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