I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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