Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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