Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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