my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
