i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
