took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
