Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
