My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
