so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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