The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
