And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
