Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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