I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Drunk is not a location!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
