I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
