I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
