Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
