No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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