well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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