we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
