I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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