my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
