I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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