I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
