i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
