Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm both gender and math confused
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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